Deathbed

These past few days that i did not have internet i took the time to write. Beside other personal problems i was going through a time of great sadness, and these two days are just a glimpse of what i went through that week.

June 21

I visited a deathbed two days ago; it was Sandra, the last manager of Aspenwood apartments. I never really talked to her, but I knew that everyone hated the way she treated the staff. She was someone that everyone did not feel encouraged to see, except for my mom. For some reason my mother always seemed to find favor in Sandra’s eyes. In fact, Sandra helped my mom a lot when she really needed to work extra hours in the guardhouse (to make money for rent). But now Sandra is in a deathbed, and soon she will be no more.

Sandra had cancer for many years, she started out with breast cancer but soon it spread to her lungs and right now she has it everywhere…there is no part of her body that is not affected by it. I went with my mom to go visit the Sandra I did not know. I hadn’t seen her since Melany’s birthday party, and already then I did not recognize her. She was really swollen back then, mostly because of the cancer. So when I went to Sandra’s room and saw her lying in a hospital bed with a nurse sitting in a desk in front of her (writing stuff down in a sheet of paper) I started to cry. I felt the presence of sickness and I knew at once that everyone in that room with her was thinking that she was going to die soon. The doctor only gave her three more days to live, was what my mother told me before we went to see her. Sandra used to be so alive and beautiful and now she was this woman who was so swollen you could barely recognize who she once used to be. I sat in the bed next to her hospital bed and I put my hand over her knee. Sandra often coughed and grunted. She was in a comma, sometimes she would open her eyes and talk, and other times she would just grunt with her eyes closed. I started praying for her, asking for healing, but somehow I did not feel that healing was what God wanted for her that night. My mom had gone to pray for her before, asking for healing but the Lord remained silent. I felt as if Sandra was like a sister to me that night. She seemed like someone close to me, like a sister to my mom, maybe that would make her my aunt. But Sandra wasn’t anything of me, she had no link that could make us family, yet I felt for her so much. Pretty soon we had to leave and I was already going down the stairs when I told my mom that I was going to go back. I went to ask for Michelle, Sandra’s eldest. Michelle is about sixteen years old. Somehow that Kid always got my attention; she was always someone that I knew had great potential for a future friend. I went back inside and found her at her room looking at her cell phone. The lights were out and I knew she was hurting, even if I could not see her face.

Hey michelle

She got up and I extended my arms and she hugged me back. I hugged her so tight and I started sobbing along with her. I started talking between my sobs and I told her that I understood her pain (that now, I don’t know why I said that…maybe it was the Spirit talking). I told her I loved her and that I know I did not know her that well but I loved her because God has called us to love everyone. Then I started talking so much I did not even know what I was saying.

The Lord says that this is only a test. That this will only make you stronger and that this has to happen for his will to be done.

She nodded and she just kept on hugging me. I cried some more and I told her that whatever she needed that I will be there for her and that I will be there all summer for her. That was such a sad day….i think that is why I am still feeling depressed. I quote King Solomon, “everything in life is meaningless”.

June 22

Today I was informed that Sandra died last night. How life is fragile…she is no more. This reminds me of when Andrew died, he was a junior in high school and I was a freshman. I remember that day so clearly because I could not believe he died. He was so healthy, so young and then boom one day he is gone. And now Sandra…we were already expecting it, but now she is no more, and now she is dead. I haven’t gone to see Michelle but I really need to see her, I want to comfort her in these times of trouble. I cannot imagine loosing my mother; she is the most precious thing in this world for me. Loosing her would be a nightmare…I cannot imagine how Michelle feels, to see that her mom cannot speak anymore. I would be in denial. I hate death, and I am so glad that Christ has conquered it. He is life; He is life! Sandra may not be in this world no more, but I know she has stepped into the boundaries of the supernatural. Where is Christ when death oppresses us? He is there…just waiting for the right time, for the perfect time to come back for the rest of us….

Sanrda I am going to take care of your daughter. It’s going to be my task, you hear me? I will lead her to Truth.

Cancer is a vicious thing…kills so slowly. I wonder what makes a heart stop beating? 22…21…20… beats per minute and then STOP. She is dead. I cannot comprehend death. I cannot understand where we go after that and how. The Lord only knows, and I am okay with that.