If i try to save my life...

It's two o'clock in the morning and I cannot sleep. I think it's partly because I took a nap and had some chi tea shortly after that but also because I'm just thinking. Will this really be my last year? You know that saying "it seems so far away"? Well that is not how I feel at all...it feels so close. What to do after four years of college? The obvious answer will be to go straight into the workforce, help my mother and go on with life, isn't that right? But see...that's just logic; it's not Jesus. I've learned that when you think you have God all figured out that's when you least know Him....and when you feel like you you're lost and you don't know what the heck to do with your life, that's when you're in the right place. Isn't that crazy? God just turns our beliefs upside down.

So here is what's been happening in my life recently: I've tried to figure out what will become of me after graduation so I tried opening many doors, like applying to this program that will help me get a PhD because I thought that's what I wanted to do. Then I tried thinking about giving a year to missions, going to get my masters in English here at Sam and many other things....but none gives me peace yet. Why is it so hard to give up my own ambitions and see clearly? I really don't think it's hard to find the Will of God; I think it's hard to accept it...why? Because it's so simple that we say "it cannot be; it cannot be that simple" and that's when God tells ya "if you are not willing to do that, then we have to start all over". Maybe the Lord has told me already what He wants me to do but I don't want to listen; I do not want to accept It because I cannot believe it's that simple. "Take your cross and follow me" He says.

The truth is that I find anything in life meaningless compared to the peace of pure abandon. Right now, I do not have God figured out and I am so lost as to what the future holds but I do know one thing: He always comes through, even if it's at the last minute. I hear Jesus asking "Will you stay here and keep watch with me?" I was reading today in Mark 14 about when Jesus was about to be arrested, he asked three of his disciples to pray and keep watch with him, but they couldn't even last one hour. Meanwhile, Jesus was praying, "everything is possible for you. please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will be done, not mine". He actually prayed for the suffering to be taken away from him BUT ONLY if it was God's will. Your will be done, not mine; that's what Jesus prayed.

So to conclude, I know that like Jesus, in the next few months I'm going to have to pray that same prayer: "let your will be done". But just like Jesus knew that he was going to be betrayed and put to death, we sometimes know what we ought to do for that next step in life, yet our prayers are never forsaken. All this to say that there is no better life than the Will of God for you. There is no other satisfaction, there is no other true joy. I leave you with this song that just describes it all...

This Is True Life
Justin Rizzo

Oh the peace of pure abandon

Oh the joy of sweet surrender

‘Cause if I try and save my life I will lose it
But if I lose my life for your sake I’ll find it in the end

I have to give you everything
And then the yoke is easy
I have to give you everything
And then the burden is so light

And oh the peace of pure abandon
And oh the joy of sweet surrender

Life (happy holiness) is found in the letting go (joyful righteousness)
Joy (happy holiness) is found in the tearing of the heart (as I give it all away)

Your joy, your peace is found